


underground

by vividxpages



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Fear of Death, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of tears, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Protective Evan Hansen, disturbing descriptions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:27:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29757543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vividxpages/pseuds/vividxpages
Summary: Connor has a terrible nightmare.Luckily, Evan is with him to make it better.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Comments: 6
Kudos: 29





	underground

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a very vivid nightmare I had the other night.

Connor is underground.

As the staircase ends and he can´t walk down further anymore, he dives into black water, blindly swimming down and not questioning it once.

It´s like his body doesn’t belong to him, like an invisible force pulls him under and down, down, further down.

Until he can´t sink lower anymore.

His hands touch a surface, smooth and cold, the end of the abyss.

There is a chamber and suddenly he´s in there, closing the door firmly behind him.

It´s a watery grave.

Accompanied by a horrible stank, he sees them. They´re the only thing in the room, it´s impossible not to.

The long forgotten, the dead.

They lay carelessly stacked over each other, like cartons in a warehouse, tightly pressed together in one big mass. The mountain is so high, it almost touches the ceiling.

Some of the blank faces blink back at him, beckoning him to come closer.

Out of the dark, an ice-cold hand grabs his arm in a vice like grip, but he can´t scream. The sound is stuck in his throat, like it froze completely.

He can´t do anything except to stare back, his feet rooted to the ground under him.

It is one of them, a woman, greasy hair almost covering her entire face as she grins at Connor with a vicious smile.

“Isn´t that all you´ve ever wanted?” She nods to the corner where the dead lay. “To be one of them.”

 _No, not. Not anymore_. That´s what he wants to say, but nothing comes out.

Cold hands shove him forward regardless and he lets them do it, until he is pressed against the bodies, air punched out of his lungs as panic sets in.

“This is where you belong.” Hundreds of blank eyes stare at him. He´s between them now, between cold limbs, cool skin and hair and death touching him all over.

He becomes a part of the pile.

“This is where you have always belonged.”

The voice gets quieter, loud footsteps leaving him behind.

“Now, you finally get to play dead.”

The door of the chamber gets closed, a loud thud sealing his face.

Darkness envelopes him.

* * *

Evan doesn’t wake up often in the middle of the night.

Him and Connor always are pretty heavy sleepers, once they are under the covers. Sometimes they sleep through massive thunderstorms or the fireworks in July, only wondering in the morning why raindrops still cling to the windows or confetti is everywhere on the street.

Usually they huddle together closely, and that´s it. Lights out, see you tomorrow.

Not this night though.

This night seems to be an exception.

He isn’t sure what woke him up in the first place, but there he is, slowly blinking into darkness. It´s completely silent, not a single car passing by on the street or their dishwasher beeping downstairs.

Evan should go back to sleep, his heavy head gravitating towards his warm pillow already, but something holds him back. Something feels wrong as he stares to the ceiling, coming to himself more and more until he´s fully awake.

He feels Connor´s naked foot twitching against his leg.

His boyfriend always likes to curl into a firm ball, knees pressed against his belly, hugging a pillow to his chest or preferably, Evan.

Connor is making himself smaller in his sleep, barely taking up his half of the bed, almost hunching over. His face, only enlightened by moonlight that shines through the curtains, slides against his own pillow as he twitches again, brows drawn together in distress.

Then, Evan is only able to hear it because he´s so close, Connor lets out a painful whimper in his sleep.

Okay.

Evan is definitely awake now, every cell in him adjusting to _Connor-Protection-Mode._

He´s having a nightmare.

And Evan is here, he`s always going to be here for him.

“Con.” He whispers softly into the darkness, blindly reaching over to switch their bedside lamp on, the room now bathed in a warm light, so Evan can fully observe Connor´s sleeping figure.

His fingers clench around nothing now and there is a small film of sweat on Connor´s forehead.

“Connor, it´s okay.” He assures, wondering if his voice is really getting through to him. He hopes so. “I´m here, it´s okay. Nothing´s going to hurt you. I´m here and you´re safe.”

He continues whispering these kind of words, like a lullaby and Connor makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat.

Connor wakes up screaming.

He shoots up from the pillow, almost crashing his head against Evan´s, but Evan luckily sees it coming and moves out of the way, gives Connor space to orientate himself again, only moving in front of him as he stops looking frantically around the bedroom.

Evan quickly thinks about all the things that normally calm his boyfriend down, and he chooses one of the easiest, reaching out his hand to rest it on Connor´s, who is still clutching the sheets.

The exact opposite happens, so Evan knows it´s really bad.

He´s startling so hard that Evan automatically takes a hold of his forearms to keep him from falling off the bed, but Connor only gasps horrified and tries to wiggle away from him, so Evan lets go immediately, it´s like a natural instinct when you´re face to face with a wounded animal. Shit, he fucked up.

Connor is pulling away from him.

He´s almost at the end of the bed right now, back hitting the wood plank painfully, a loud crack following and Evan can´t stop worrying now, because this is something that never happened before.

He´s mumbling something again and again until Evan takes in a breath and holds it, focusing only on the man in front of him.

“Please don´t.” Connor begs hoarsely and Evan´s heart hurts. “Please don’t take me away.”

Evan has to do something more active than just sitting there and staring, because Connor´s breathing gets more and more irregulated as the seconds pass by and he continues to mumble nonsense.

“Connor.” He tries, very softly to not scare him again. “No one is going to take you away, you´re safe.”

Connor shakes his head and stares at him with wide eyes. “I´m dead.”

A punch in the gut.

No, wait. That doesn’t even come close to it. Evan feels like something just pushed him off a cliff, face first and he´s falling and he can´t do anything about it.

God, what disturbed him so much? Evan wants to throw hands with…Connor´s nightmare.

“No, you´re not.” Evan replies calmy, shaking his head as well now, because Connor´s eyes follow each move of him closely like he´s ready to run off at any moment if danger is near.

Evan doesn’t want to be danger.

Never for Connor.

Evan wants to be the safety Connor can rely on.

He prays that Connor will understand it.

“We´re both alive, Con.”

An enternity passes until Connor furrows his eyebrows, hesitating.

“W-We are?” He looks just like a little boy, trying to put his whole trust into Evan´s words and Evan is quick to nod.

“I am?”

“Yes, you are, Con.” He answers softly, intertwining their fingers, one hand steady, one not.

Just as Evan thinks the worst is over, Connor shakes his head.

“But it´s so dark down here, I don’t want to…” He kind of loses himself here, because he just bites his bottom lip, hard, to stop it from wobbling, but now his shoulders are shaking because of it, and if Evan didn’t know better, he would guess Connor is just unbelievably cold. Which might be the truth as well.

“I´m gonna puke.” Connor announces and he´s kind of swaying in place and Evan nods, mind free from anything else but Connor, and he´s gently guiding him out of bed, then rushes him to their open bathroom door.

Evan can´t stop it, Connor is already falling hard on his knees in front of the toilet and there´s barely time before the seat is up and Connor empties his stomach.

Evan´s rubbing his back soothingly, whispering gentle nothings and holding back his messy hair with the other hand, making sure that Connor doesn’t have to worry about it.

He´s crying again by the time his stomach has nothing to throw up anymore, each sob exhausting him further until Evan maneuvers them both to sit back against the bathtub.

Evan isn’t sure whether touch is okay or not, but Connor answers it for him, because he rests his head on Evan´s shoulder, his loud breathing the only thing audible in their bathroom.

“I want to live.” He pants over and over again, needing to get his point across, desperately clinging to Evan´s sleep shirt while is one is drenched with sweat.

Evan shushes him quietly. "I know, baby. You are.” Evan cups his cheeks, slowly brushing away the sweat over his brows, being ever so gentle. “You are alive, I promise you. I would never lie to you, right?”

He pauses and waits for an answer as Connor searches for something undefinable in his eyes. He´s almost sure that Connor won´t say anything, but then, he slowly nods.

"That´s right. You´re alive and you´re with me, we´re safe. I´ll take care of you, baby, no one is going to take you away, alright?”

Connor sobs heartbreakingly, burying his tear-streaked face in Evan´s neck, exhaling unsteady and so, so sad.

“Let´s get you back to bed, okay?”

Evan helps him to his bare feet and gently slides his arm around Connor´s thin waist, because he doesn’t like the way Connor is still swaying and trembling. Together they walk at the pace of a snail, back to the half-lit bedroom, almost like they´re an old couple crossing the street.

By the time they´re back in front of the bed, Connor is barely holding himself up anymore, almost relying fully on Evan´s strength to hold him. He sits down on the edge of the bed and Evan takes a moment to lift up the warm covers to cool them down a bit, so Connor won´t get clammy again.

Connor´s elbows rest on his knees, head buried into his hands, shook by the slight tremors, and for a moment Evan´s afraid that he´s slipping back into it, because he is trying his best but what if he can´t actually provide the comfort and safety Connor needs from him right now?

The thought is terrifying, but he quickly pushes it away.

The only important matter right now is his boyfriend, who´s not doing well.

He didn’t notice when it happened, but they´re holding hands now, Evan securely brushing a thumb over Connor´s knuckles.

Evan notices that Connor is still heaving for air a bit, throat probably sore from throwing up earlier, so he quickly grabs the glass of water he always keeps on his bedside table, not letting go of Connor´s hand in the process.

“Can you drink that for me?” He´s probably completely dehydrated by now, and needs it. It´s also a clear task without misunderstanding that he can focus on. Which might be good, because Connor hates being out of control.

Connor only nods robotically, like his body is fully on autopilot, and Evan watches on his knees in front of Connor as he gulps down the entire glass, only stopping once to let some air fill his lungs again. Evan hopes it won´t make his stomach hurt in the morning.

After he sets the glass aside, Connor looks down to him expectantly, with big eyes. He´s trusting him completely, even in the vulnerable state he´s in. Maybe especially because of the vulnerable state he´s in. Evan doesn’t care about formalities right now.

“Very good.” Evan pushes a small strand of hair back behind Connor´s ear and he´s almost sure he can spot a weak smile of Connor´s pale face.

“I´ll get you a clean shirt, okay?” Evan draws back from him to stand up, but he doesn’t get far.

“NO!”

Connor´s hand closes in a vice-like grip on his wrist, keeping him firmly in place. One leg on the ground, one still kneeing in front of Connor in an awkward position.

“Con, you´ll get sick if you sleep in your sweat.” Evan points out, but Connor can not care less, only continuing to shake his hand. He doesn’t care about the fact his clothes are drenched with it.

“Don´t leave me alone.” Connor shuts his eyes tightly again and his bottom lip starts to tremble again, and shit. That´s not the reaction Evan had in mind. His boyfriend looks so tormented, Evan wants to scream at the world for making him suffer like this in the middle of the night, robbing him of precious hours of peaceful sleep.

“I won´t, but I need you to change your shirt at least.” Evan squeezes his hands. “Come with me?”

He´s leading Connor carefully through the room, and it´s kind of a compromise now, because Connor gets to stay by his side, and Evan can finally reach their closet, quickly opening a drawer and pulling out some new clothes, all with only one hand. Connor won´t let go of the other, head tiredly resting on Evan´s shoulder, watching his movements without really seeing.

Evan can feel Connor´s hair tickling his cheek as Connor rests two hands on his shoulders and slips into the boxers Evan holds out for him, one leg after the other. He manages it without stumbling and Evan throws the dirty shirt away as well, watching as Connor holds up his skinny arms and slides on the new shirt Evan had chosen for him.

It´s one of Evan`s, an old one that never truly fit him right, and Evan doesn’t know if Connor realizes it, but he looks a bit better, more at ease as they return under the covers.

He holds up the blanket, lets Connor slide inside their nest, covering him with the now cooled sheets and wriggling close.

Not close enough apparently, because Connor lets out a quiet sigh and flings an arm over Evan´s hip and shuffles one leg between Evan´s knees. Evan doesn’t hesitate to draw him closer, and as they lay together it almost seems normal again, they always cuddle like this.

Exactly like this, but usually Connor´s cheeks aren’t wet from crying and Evan´s heart isn’t beating so loud. Of course, Evan´s heart always speeds up when he´s close to Connor, but that`s a wonderful feeling. This one feels like unease and being trapped, being forced to do nothing as the other struggles.

But he doesn’t do nothing.

He had done something right, if Connor is calming down like this, right?

And he really doesn’t want to disturb him, he loves the idea that Connor is finally able to fall asleep right against him, his breathing is already evening out, but still.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

 _Whenever you´re ready_.

It´s their thing.

Evan would never force Connor to talk about it, he´s willing to wait for him, whenever Connor feels ready, always.

“Tomorrow?”, comes the weak answer and Evan feels the syllables against his collarbone, gentle puffs of air deflecting against his skin, reminding both of them that they´re here and together.

“Okay.” Evan presses his lips against Connor´s temple, reassuring him once again that he´s there and they’re both okay.

Connor nuzzles closer, begs against his skin while his body is already on the brink of sleep again.

“Please don’t ever let me go.”

It´s a request with two meanings and Evan´s willing to fulfill both of them.

“Never.”

 _I´ll never_ let you go.

I`ll never let _you_ go.

**Author's Note:**

> Nightmares suck.  
> But if the result is me writing 2.7k words of angst, I´m happy and I hope so are you!


End file.
